Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since my last post.  Gee, I kinda feel like I’m back in Catholic-land, going to confession, saying “Father, it’s been 3 months since my last confession.”  Yeah, no.   

So, I wouldn’t be able to remember everything that’s happened in that time period, but I will share that we’ve moved house – again.  We’ve given our notice around working with Leo – it’s time for all of us to move onto other things; Leo on to acquiring some new “students” and Steve and I pursuing new ventures.

Steve is really wanting to go out into nature with kids.  It’s his natural gift, and I think the world is a better place because of it.  He’s wanting to do it for no cost, so that money isn’t a barrier to participation.  Since Steve is a non-traditional person, and doesn’t really belong to any ‘system’ his operating guidelines are fundamentally different than anything I’ve ever heard of before.  For that, as usual, I commend him. 

Even though we’ve given our notice around caregiving Leo effective April 30th, and the position has been advertised a few times now, no one has stepped forward to express an interest.  So, because we are flexible, and also want Leo to be placed with the right people, we have no issues with carrying on until that happens. 

The place we found to rent is only for a five month period, so we will be moving – yet again – at the end of September.  Where to?  Who knows.  Life with Steve is such an adventure.

Yesterday, as I went looking for a card to celebrate Steve’s birthday (which is today), I happened to have a card jump off the shelf at me.

It was directed for a ‘husband’ and Steve and I are not ‘married’ – at least not in any way that the legal system would recognize.  Since last year, when Steve shared his commitment to me, the energy has been significantly different in our relationship – even though I’m currently focused on commiting to myself.

I kept wanting to put the card back on the shelf — Steve’s not my husband, I thought.  But all the other words in the card matched what I feel inside, so why would I dismiss this?  I talked myself into surrendering, and wondered how he would react when he opened it.

He laughed.  I said, “I must be in a manifestation phase, where I am to live ‘as if’ what I want has already manifested.”  I guess that’s why the card had to come home with me.

It makes sense to us both that this would happen, considering we’ve been focused on, and invested in, our manifestation goals for the near future.  And a deeper commitment to each other is one of them. 

It’s been awhile since my last post, and all I can say is ‘wowsa.’  Life is changing so quickly, yet again, and Steve and I are in the wondrous position of joyously and joyfully co-creating our new future together.

Due to some interesting developments in Steve’s work environment, we have chosen to release our caregiving duties with Leo and have given our notice to do so.  As of April 30th, we will be caregiving on a month-to-month basis, until a suitable replacement is found.  Leo’s needs are very important to us, and we want to see that he will be well taken care of, even though the choice for our replacement is with someone else.

So, because of this new development, we are looking at releasing not only Leo from our lives, but our main source of income as well.  We take yet another leap of faith, and put our energies and our intentions into co-creating a properous and flowing life, both doing what we love and living our passions.

We will also be releasing the home we are currently living in, and are actively looking for a new place to live, as of May 1st.  We plan on sticking around this location, due to family and my 2-days per week caregiving of my grand daughter.

Steve has enthusiatically jumped on board in ways I never imagined — creating vision boards, doing manifestation exercises together, initiating projects.  I’ve actually never seen him like this before, and when he is so actively involved in ‘change’ I’m reminded just how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Onward ho…

I seem to now be speaking on two levels about the same topics.  Again, I just finished writing a post on this about my own self (not with Steve) on my other site (click HERE to view it).   It, of course, was inspired by Steve being a catalyst, which I will share now.

A couple of days ago, I was busily working away in my newly-acquired office, happy as can be, basking in my new-found energy.  Steve comes in with Leo’s bowl of lego (Leo’s favorite pastime is to snap his lego pieces), and dumps the bowl into the shower which is in the bathroom adjacent to my office.  Crash – go the pieces onto the tile, and then the shower comes on.  Distraction.  The sound of the water on the pieces echoes throughout the house.  Steve comes in and out periodically, and I try to ignore this.

Then, later on at 4:20 p.m., Steve charges in, states that he is leaving to go pick up some groceries and will be back by 5 p.m.  I’m not pleased at this, and say nothing.  I start to feel the familiar feeling of uneasiness well up inside of my belly, and sit with the energy.  How come I’m upset by this, I ask myself.  I don’t really know until the next day.

I figured it out while reading an excerpt from The Vortex, the newest and greatest book I’ve ever read.  It’s talking about two types of relationships — one, where the person needs the other person’s affection and attention often to feel full, and the other, where the person needs their freedom.  Freedom.  Ah yes, that’s it!

Leo comes back from his day program at 5 p.m.  He gets dropped off by taxi, and someone has to be here and pay the driver.  If Steve isn’t here, that defaults to me.  I realized that by stating, not asking, his intentions, I felt I had no choice.  We had already had a conversation (aka an argument) about this just a day or two before.  He knew how I felt about this – that I was being given the responsibility to meet and greet Leo, even though it wasn’t really my role.  And here he was, leaving right around the time he needed to be here – again.

When he did both those things – the lego pieces and the statement – I felt I had lost my freedom.  I felt like I had no choice, and that I wasn’t asked or included in the decision-making process, just had stuff literally dumped in my space. I also mentioned that having him stop me, mid-action, and ask for a kiss and a hug (which he has been doing more often lately) feels like I’m being blocked, more than loved.

I never understood just how powerful this desire of freedom is for me.  I feel it in every aspect of my life, and could probably sit in reflection of this for a long time.  Again, how thankful am I that I have Steve in my life to catapult me into awarenesses such as these?  Immensly grateful.  Immensely.

Thanks, honey.  I love you.

I recently started writing about my 50th year of life, and posted about a process I had yesterday around lack.  (If you want to read about it, click HERE).  What I didn’t share in there was the discoveries both Steve and I made around this, and why it explains a lot about our behaviors.

When we started going into the energy of lack in our lives, Steve came up with some interesting insights into his own life.  He mentioned he is following in his father’s footsteps – his father growing up in the depression, and not having hardly anything for a very long time.  His father is very frugal, and nothing new gets purchased until it has really run it’s course (ie he just bought a new washer and dryer after over 40 years of using the old ones).  Everything was doled out in moderation – everything – and nothing was to excess.  Steve’s body for nearly 40 years reflected lack — his tall frame carrying no fat (no excess) and no ability to gain weight.  Until now.

He also mentioned that his father never gifted his mother with anything.  Birthdays were nothing special, again nothing was bought unless it was absolutely needed, etc.  It dawned on me at this moment why Steve was not a ‘giving’ type of person, and why presents never came.

In my own lifetime, growing up we had nothing but money for essentials, and that was it.  Five kids, mother at home, just enough to feed and house us and nothing extra.  One Christmas, we even had what was Santa’s Anonymous come to our house — none of the gifts were wrapped, all were used, some pieces missing, etc.  I was 8 at the time, and I learned at an early age not to ask for anything, because I would be burdening the family.  As I grew up, I saw my parents trying to make some type of living — my mother now working, 6 days a week 12-hour days, and still no progress.  Again, asking for anything was not an option.  Eventually, I started working (at 14) and then got married at 18.  My married life was using my money to invest in a house and home, and I still had little for myself.  Watching other people spend money was the norm, and when I did have some, I gave it to my family and my child.  Putting myself last.

I didn’t feel like I was suffering in any way — giving was a joy to me, and I was happy to do it.  I was dressed nicely for work, and got to go on vacations, etc., so didn’t really feel like I was missing out too much.  But as I reflect on it now, I lived, and continue to live, in the energy of lack.

Steve is our income earner, for now.  Over the years, I have tried many different ways to generate an income for  myself since the onset of an illness in 2002.  Manifestation of things would occur, manifestation of money would happen periodically, but it would be used to cover the lack that had taken place in my drought periods.  Car was in bad need of maintenance – as in, $2700 was required to fix what was run down – courses were invested in so that I could potentially earn an income doing x,y,z…etc.  Whatever would come in, would go out very quickly.

Indeed, my mother modeled this for me.  She was, and still is, the giver, the martyr, the never-have-anything-for-myself person, etc.  She lives in a low-income senior’s complex, and has a lovely suite, but it is just enough to meet her needs.  She mentions how lovely it would be to have a bigger place, in a different complex, but how she can’t afford it.

Together, Steve and I want to break the ancestral patterns.  Steve has been asking me what I want, often.  He says he wants to buy me things – not cheap baubles or junk, but he likes to give quality.  I love quality.  I am learning about my desires when he asks.

We spoke last night of our wants, on an individual level.  He wants land, and to build his own sustainable lifestyle.  I want that too.  I want to go to the ocean more often, as I feel fed by the powerful movement of the water and the sounds.  He wants to learn more about earth skills and spend time in a camp, perhaps for six months, doing this.  I want to pay off any outstanding debt, and feel lighter.  Then I can think of other things…lots of other things.  We both would like a second vehicle, perhaps even new.  And more.

Shifting from the energy of lack is a joint effort, and Steve is wonderful at being of assistance with so many things.  I’m looking forward to this new era.  It’s going to bring with it some lovely abundance.

Energetically speaking, it looks like Steve and I both manifested a cleaning up and clearing out process, necessary for the next phase of our individual progress, and our life together.  At the end of last month, my daughter and her baby moved out.  Other than the 2-day per week plus some evenings babysitting, it’s just the three of us left in the house – Steve, myself and Leo.

The energy is definitely different in our home.  I was able to manifest an office for myself – the master bedroom with it’s own bathroom.  I could, potentially, see clients in there – the space is really beautiful.

Steve has been after me, ever since we met, to get rid of ‘stuff.’  When we first met, I had a garage full of boxes of ‘stuff’ – papers, research materials, books, sports equipment, etc.  At one point, we released our whole household with the intent of moving out-of-country for a brief period, and that was huge for me.  I let go of so much — over 300 books, mementos, lots of sentimental ‘stuff’ etc.  I kept what I thought I should, and moved.  Each time we’ve moved since, I’ve cleaned out more.  As time goes by, certain personal papers are not longer necessary, and lots more gets shredded.  I’ve felt I’ve done a lot of releasing, yet Steve keeps thinking I need to get rid of more.

That feels like pressure.  Yesterday, I was feeling really extra productive, in the second day of clearing out a lot of things and stuff I don’t need at this point in my life.  Steve started making comments about how I could get rid of a lot more, and with each comment, I started to feel pressure and angst.  Finally, I interrupted him and told him that I felt that he was pressuring me, that what I was doing so far wasn’t good enough for him, that my stuff is my stuff, and that it was none of his business.  I told him to get out of my business, and I felt like I was ready to ‘pop’ inside.  All sorts of feelings came up — I’m not doing enough, what I do isn’t good enough, I must be less than because I’m not releasing more, I’m not fast enough, etc.  Coming to the conclusion that he was in my business, and he needed to get out of my business was pretty cool.  I hadn’t thought about it like that before.

I promised myself that I would go through every single item, every piece of paper, and make a decision.  If I keep it, what for, and where?  If I don’t need it, do I give it away or recycle it?  I’m sorting all my resource and research material into the projects they belong to, and feeling lighter with each action step I take.

The house feels lighter, and I feel more focused and empowered.  With his comments, Steve is a catalyst for my growth.  He is really helping me to focus on what I want, and what I don’t want.  He is helping me to internalize a solid foundation for my movement forward, and I am feeling just appreciation for him right now.  My cleaning up and clearing out process is about me, not him or anyone else.  I just love having that realization.

Internally, I feel lighter, yet more solid.  Interesting.

It’s been some time since I’ve had the inclination or the time to post on here.  So many things have happened in the time that has past, I almost don’t know where to start.

My body continues to change, and as it does so, everything else about me is changing as well.  It really is a metamorphis — from the caterpillar to the butterfly.  Steve has noticed this shift, and commented last night – how remarkable of a woman I am, and that he’s never known anyone like me.  I’m in a space of not attaching to what he says about my change, because it isn’t about him.

Lots of things are changing, at a tremendous rate.  Our relationship is now on a completely new level, and might take a few postings to actually describe it.  As I am changing, so is he.  We both wonder — are we both changing because we, ourselves are changing and are now manifesting all that we desire in a partner?  Or is it just our awareness is shifting about one another because we are both changing so rapidly?

All I know is, it a new era has dawned, and it feels so incredible!  Lots to share in the coming days.

So, I can’t recall if I’ve already mentioned this, so I’ll just bring it up as I speak about the next part of my physical adventure. 

When Steve and I first started dating, he kind of ‘hid’ me from his friends and family.  I was not introduced to anyone that he knew for at least 6 months after we started dating.

I didn’t really pay attention to this at first, but then I did finally notice, and asked him about it.

I realized at that time that I was not the physical “ideal” and didn’t match his programmed concept of the physical form he was normally attracted to.  I think I was upset about this, I can’t remember.

Over the years, the topic would pop up periodically, and I always remember saying, over and over again — if I’m not your physical ideal, then why don’t you go and find someone who is?  His response was relatively the same each and every time — that I was beautiful, and even though I wasn’t his ‘programmed” physical ideal, he still found me beautiful.  He continued to share that I was in his life to break him of his programming, and to show him what true beauty really is.

So, over the years, my body got heavier and heavier.  This past year, I actually neared weighing 180lbs.  I was shocked!  My face looked really puffy, I was wearing size 16 clothes, and they even started to get too small for me.

The more Steve would comment about my body, the less I was inclined to do anything about it.  Besides, I was never his physical ideal anyways, right?  So what if my body was changing?

In the fall, I had researched some options for myself — as in, dietary options.  One, in particular, kept popping up all over the place, and I made a decision to go with it.  I knew if I was going to change, I needed to do it for myself — just for me.  I started my new “physical honouring” on January 9th of this year.  So far, I’ve lost about 15 lbs, but that included a bout of the flu right before I started.

I feel less bloated all over.  My belly is most definitely less extended, and I’m fitting back into my size 14 clothes already.  My commitment to myself is now entrained in my psyche, and I’m excited about feeling better.

I love that I am not doing this for my beloved.  I love that I am doing this because I love myself.  Whatever happens with my body as a result of my commitment to myself is all a side effect of my self-loving actions.

Steve has definitely noticed the difference, and I’m not attached to his responses.  Good for me. 

Days and days of conversations have just led us to one single, solitary place — that is, TRUTH.

More and more, as life goes on, and things pop into our experience — movies, books, radio shows, music, articles, web pages — they all point to that one place.  Truth.

We both came to the same conclusion.  The only TRUTH on the planet is nature, and is IN nature.  That is the only TRUTH.  All else is false.

Our co-existence with TRUTH is so very important to both of us.

Steve looked me in the eyes today and said — “if my path is one of finding truth, then why do you think you’re in my life?”  I responded, “I’m not quite sure.  Is it because I want truth as well?”  And he said, “because you speak your truth.”

How illuminating. 

So, I decided what I wanted to do for my birthday, and for one night of our 6-day respite , I wanted a night in a cabin in the mountains,with a wood-burning fireplace.  I had the option of going by myself, or having Steve join me, and I opted for the latter.  It was a great decision.

He booked us into a very low-key, small property with really cozy, rustic cabins – only about a 40 minute drive from our home.  Running water – yes.  Electricity – yes.  Lovely old tub – yes. Wood-burning fireplace – yes.  Anything else – nope!  No phone, no tv, no internet, no kitchen, no coffee pot/tea options.  Very simplistic, and utterly beautiful.

We felt as soon as we arrived a peace wash over us both.  As we entered the cabin, I began to cry.  I had no idea why, at the time.  Then, later, upon contemplation, I realized that I hadn’t had anyone take me anywhere romantic like that for a very, very long time.

Our evening was blissful — in the immense silence of the area, we found an inner peace that was very strong.  In the cozyness of the small cabin — the darkness, the warmth, the tiny space, the intimacy – we found our own, and each other’s, energy.  We realized that here, there were no distractions.  There was nothing to take us away from ourselves, and it was a remarkable feeling.

We didn’t have a clock — so we just went with our own flow.  Had no idea what time it was, and didn’t care.  I only concerned myself with the next morning, and check-out time.  Otherwise, we just flowed.  The fire was so lovely and warm, the ambiance so inviting to the heart.

We talked, we read to each other, I wrote, we visioned.  One of our main purposes for going there, despite it being around my birthday, was to begin visioning for our own kin’s domain (based on the Anastasia books).  We were in a simple place, and it really evoked the energy of simplicity from us.  It was perfect, in all ways.

It was hard to leave this morning.  As we drove up to our house upon our return, we both just sat for awhile in the car.  Returning to the distractions, the complications, the EMF fields, the computer, the internet, the caregiving — we hesitated just a moment more, to savour our experience.

Steve said that in the future we should go somewhere just like this on a regular basis — perhaps our next respite?  We’ll see.